Fraudulent Windsurfing Repairs (satirically speaking)

[justall]

Fraudulent Windsurfing Repairs (satirically speaking)

iWindsurf member Justall made a statement today that a windsurfing repair shop is altering boards in such a manner that it inhibits clean jibes. “I am the best jiber in the World. Recent reports that I was blowing jibes is due to sham board repairs deliberately and maliciously conducted to make me look bad,” Justall said.

Highlighting how serious this matter is, a local artist fully substantiated the claim and said she heard a lawsuit may even be filed against the shop, “I mean, if a lawsuit is filed, you definitely know there is wrongdoing,” she said, “And, I actually think there may be more than one lawsuit filed!” The artist also reported that a group of Justall’s friends was furious over not being allowed into the shop to document the damaging repair processes. “They are going to post video evidence of them being stopped at the shop’s front door,” she said.

A visit to the shop reveals the owner’s despicable behaviors, going so far as to overtly advertise it sells “rigs”. Requesting comment from the shop, a worker suspiciously dismissed Justall’s complaint, saying, “The claim is meritless.”

At a briefing, Justall’s legal counsel asked what we all want to know, “What the hell is this shop trying to hide?” Counsel went on to strongly bolster the case by noting, “The city in which the shop operates is known for corruption. Justall lived near the city when he was younger and saw a lot of shady things. It is a shame, but no wonder why this shop is a complete and total fraud.”

Asking his name not be used, a man who has windsurfed since the 1980s suggested Justall may simply not be a good jiber, “I have seen Justall windsurfing in Delaware and he looked to be of intermediate skill, at best.” Justall sharply called on this anonymous windsurfer to show himself and has threatened a defamation case against such a blatant hit job. Justall believes he knows who the anonymous source is. “He is a complete loser, lowlife scum,” said Justall. “He is a career windsurfer, so knows nothing about how the windsurfing business actually works.”

In a blow to the shop and in stunning corroboration of Justall’s claims, a person who has read legal proceedings before said Justall’s lawsuit may indeed have merit. This expert went on to say that there seems to be no limit to people trying to discredit Justall, “Haters have relentlessly attempted to steal Justall’s jibing record from him. No one has done more for the windsurfing community than Justall.”

Shockingly, the media has said absolutely nothing about Justall’s claims, apparently attempting to bury the story. Asked why he thinks the news has said nothing about the story, Justall said, “It is just further proof that the fake news has always treated me unfairly. But the truth will come out, it will all come out soon, very soon.”

In fact, a Justall appointee hinted that a trove of data will be released shortly that show people working in the shop exchanging very nasty and incriminating emails, justifying Justall’s concerns.

An ivy-league educated mechanical engineer, who works for Justall, said that it would be relatively easy for someone to adjust the software on the shop’s sanding devices in such a way as to damage the shape of the board and thus the ability to jibe, and furthermore it is theoretically possible to have the software linked to the shop’s customer database such that sanding speeds are only incorrectly altered when working on boards brought in by Justall. When asked about this possibility, the sanding device’s manufacturer said, “Our machines do have built-in software, but it is used for thermal and vibration control; it has no link to a shop’s user database.” Perhaps to cover things ups, the manufacturer seemed to implicate a different device manufacturer, adding, “You might want to look at Occam's razor, instead.” When asked for rebuttal, Justall’s mechanical engineer questioned, “Well there you have it, they fully admitted there is software on the sanding devices, just like I said. And, of course they now claim no link to customer databases; isn’t this just the sort of thing one would say if caught red-handed hiding a scam like this?”

Asked for comment about Justall’s reported poor jibing performance in Delaware, a completely independent source, Justall’s daughter, stated, “It is widely known that Delaware has a history of attacking Justall. Delaware is a tiny coastal state, so of course they are negative about big things, such as this. Justall’s record of accomplishment is unparalleled. We must all come out to support Justall’s record or bad things will happen. It is the last chance we have before these sorts of things happen in every shop across America.”

The public has had enough. A person who is financially supported by Justall was reiterating Justall’s claim via bullhorn on a local street corner, “I am just stunned to see how unfair this is to Mr. Justall. I mean, just the quantity of suspicious sounding adjectives and nouns his supporters have used to describe this scam is proof to me of a rip-off in progress.”

This story is developing. Please post here if you have more details about this unprecedented attack on Justall’s indisputably high moral standing and windsurfing prowess … satirically speaking, of course.

[coboardhead]

I heard Justall’s ability to complete a planing jibe was just a hoax.

[isobans]

xxx

[swchandler]

What I'm wondering is why justall used his own identity here in his piece.